It's Valentine's Day today. Not a day I particularly celebrate. Not because I have no-one to send those heart-shaped balloons to, but because it's well, kind of done and dusted now. The day, not my target of affection (hubster, incase you were wondering…).
I had my fill of romantic dinner dates and V-day cards and gifts when it was all fresh and exciting and you know, a BIG THING (back when I was nineteenish). Our love has grown since then, though the outwardly show of affection has probably mellowed. A decade and a half later, add a child to the equation, and Valentine's day is just about as ordinary as any other day (especially for a mom, read this and you'll know why).
So this February 14th, instead of writing a love letter to hubster, I decided to write one to my son. Give a twist of sorts to things. After all, who said V-day has to be just about lovers? It's about celebrating LOVE, isn't it?
My darling Little Man,
I know you will probably read this 'letter' (blog post) after a couple of years, and will probably only understand the depth of it much, much later, but there are so many things I want to tell you, so I'm just going to pour my heart out.
For starters, YOU ARE GROWING UP WAY TOO FAST FOR MY LIKING!!! Somedays I wish I could just press the 'pause' button on you for a while, to be able to take in more of your laughter, cuddles, chatter, those mispronounced words. To kiss your forehead while you sleep, tickle you and hear those squeals and chuckles, kiss your still-chubbyish cheeks again and again, and look at those cute bums now in cute underwear. (Of course if you throw tantrums and be difficult, I will press 'fast-forward' instead…).
I know I often complain that motherhood is relentless and that I wish I had more time to myself. I confess on some days I look forward to a few years hence when you will be at school, so I can get a few more hours free. But then, when I drop you off at pre-school, I can't wait to see you again… and I look forward to the days you're home with me because I realise that once you start school, we'll never get our together-time again. You will be busy with your life and friends and you will probably not want to cuddle me and see 'super eeros'.
I also want to tell you that you are the single-most important thing in our lives. Even though you exhaust the hell out of us, torment us at bedtime, take up more than half the space on our bed and sometimes are a real brat, you are nothing short of an angel. You have made me realise a love so strong, so precious, so amazing; it scares me sometimes. Your father and I really don't know how we will love your future sibling as much!!!
I want to say thank-you to you for so many things. For being you – mischievous, angelic, cute you. For making us proud (my heart soars when your teachers tell me all those wonderful things about you). For being the sweet, loving and caring son and boy that you are growing up to be.
But I also want to say sorry for so many things. For losing my temper at you when the day's not going great, for not understanding you sometimes, for letting you be entertained by the television when I could play with you instead, for sometimes being 'bored' playing cars and pretend-playing with you, and then let you watch some more TV … believe me I feel terrible. The Momguilt is real.
But I hope you understand that it's not because I love you any less at that point in time. It's just that I am exhausted or my mind is numb with doing routine chores and I just need some down-time, or the piles of laundry just have to be done. And when I shout at you to discipline you, it's just because I want you to be the best you can be. That said, I love snuggling up with you on the couch and reading (but five books at a time is kind of the limit, ok? Otherwise my brain starts to get a bit fried again).
And you know the best part of our day together? Just before bedtime (no, not the horror hour trying to get you changed, brushed and into bed), but when we're lying down on the bed together, and I'm making up stories and you're listening wide-eyed and amazed, chipping in with your additions. And then you share things about your day, what you did, what you enjoyed, what upset you – I love this bonding time we have. Please, please continue doing that even when you're older!
And it melts my heart when you randomly tell me you love me so much or that I'm the best mummy; when you ask if I'm feeling better when I'm unwell or when you say you're sorry for "doing naughty things today" before kissing me goodnight.
I know this letter's long, and even though I can go on and on, I will conclude by promising you one thing. I know I am not a pinterest-perfect, baking, crafty supermum, but I am a mum who loves her son to the moon and back. And will do everything in my power to keep you happy and safe and loved.
Your ever-loving mum…
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