You know motherhood will change you. Your feelings. Your priorities. Your work-life balance. Being a mom will make you fatter, sleepier, more responsible and perhaps more patient. You will do things you never thought you would do. Like stand and stare at garbage trucks or play ringa-ringa roses on the toilet…
There are 7 things (and counting) which it will be completely pointless doing once you're a mom. So don't waste your time; just take a nap instead!
1. Keeping a clean house
Serious, why even bother? Because from the second your baby / toddler / threenager is awake till they are sound asleep, your house will continually look like
a) a garbage dump
b) a tornado-struck site or
c) a warehouse of children's toys and products.
If you tidy up the legos, there will be cars strewn all around a minute later. If you vaccuum at 10 am, there will be biscuit crumbs on the floor by 10.07 am. If you clean the windows, sticky hands will touch them within the hour. Take it from me, don't attempt a tidy-up till bedtime rolls over.
2. Cooking with too much love
You're a mum. Your primal maternal instinct is to nurture and feed your baby. Post breastfeeding, once baby is weaned, you embark on a journey of pureed food sprinkled with the healthiest ingredients and a whole load of love. Till approximately the fifth meal when you realise that most of it lands up on the floor or in the bin. Quick fixes, batch-cooking and the like take over.
3. Wearing white
Forget white even exists. Your clothes will have a healthy mix of milk, spit-ups, snot, puke, pee and other stains ranging from dirty fingerprints to paint marks to sticky gooiness (which could really be anything!)
4. Enjoying a hot cuppa…
Word of advice: learn to love cold coffee and ice tea. Because that's how every cuppa's going to be after you become a mom. The microwave will become your best friend, trust me…
5. Having an uninterrupted conversation (phone or otherwise)
Whether it's an important work call or just a catch-up with a friend over coffee, you won't be able to get two complete sentences out of your mouth before one of the following happens:
a) Your sleeping baby wakes up – howling her guts out
b) You are shouting 'Don't touch that' or 'Stop doing that' every three seconds, to your inquisitive toddler who is 'touching that' or 'doing that'
c) Your toddler is emptying the sugar sachets all over the table at the cafe
6. Leaving the house on time
Forget it! It's next to impossible. Gone are the days of putting your jeans on, slipping your shoes on and out of the door. Now it's pack nappy bag, dress baby, dress yourself with multitude interruptions, change baby as she's just spit-up, apply generous amounts of dry shampoo to your unwashed hair, damn, has she just pooped? Change her again…
If you have a toddler, it's more or less the same drill, except that toddler will want to pee just as you are at the door or will insist on wearing her own shoes and take a minimum of ten minutes doing that. Breathe…
7. Losing weight, especially if you're planning a second child
We all have that Yummy Mummy image of being svelte and toned post-baby, running through the park pushing a buggy and eating a salad for lunch. The reality is you are too effing exhausted to get out of your PJs, and running behind your crawling baby is the most exercise you can manage. Salads? Who are you kidding? Most meals comprise a cracker and a microwave pizza!
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