Bypassing trends and nurturing who they are: Key approaches to teaching our children individuality

When it comes to teaching our children how to deal with the stresses in life, the important thing we need to remember, as parents, is that we’ve experienced what they’re going through but we tend to look at it from the perspective of someone who recognises that those things aren’t important anymore for us. 

But what we need to remember is that actually, the problems they’re going through are real problems because of the things that are important to them. Things like trends and external influences like peer pressure are absolutely seismic at such a young age, and what we would like to teach our children is for them to understand that actually being who they are is the most important thing and not feel swayed by trends. But what is it that we can do to help them cultivate a strong sense of self? Let’s show you a number of different strategies.

Discuss personal choices in relation to what is perceived as popular

There is a big difference between popular and good. Anybody who remembers the 80s well will easily feel embarrassed about the fact that perms were incredibly popular and questionable hairstyles were all the rage. But those who lived through the 80s and indeed any time when they thought something looked good can have the benefit of hindsight and recognise that they were just trying to fall in with the crowds.

What we need to remember is that whether our children are opting for a styled wolf cut or are keen to take an electric razor to their hair, we should be using trends as a conversation starter about personal choices. We should talk with our children and discuss whether it’s in line with their individual style or if it is an external pressure to conform. 

When we understand the roots of certain fashion and grooming choices, our children can make informed decisions about whether they actually resonate with those things. Our children will copy the things that they like, and in settings like schools where being individual in some way, shape, or form gives the children a licence to make hurtful comments (or do even worse), it’s easy to see that our children want to disguise themselves as much as possible by avoiding any sense of individuality. Self-expression is incredibly important, but it also means that our children need to have the abilities to not absorb the verbal or physical attacks that could occur.

Navigating peer pressure

Because being different is quite possibly the worst thing that can happen to a child in school, we need to give our kids the ability to navigate peer pressure. Of course, this is a massive ask because we don’t just need to equip our children with the skills to express themselves and make decisions aligned with their values, but they also need to have the power to defend themselves based on the scenarios they face. This is where giving our children the confidence from the inside and the assertiveness to navigate the situations becomes so important. 

Anybody who remembers school can have horrid flashbacks of being singled out for any little reason. In an ideal world, we would be able to teach our children the abilities to shake these things off, but of course, if we grew up feeling like we would be picked on for whatever reason, there is an aspect of this psychological makeup that invariably passes on to our kids. We all should assert ourselves and express who we are, and we can all preach the importance of diversity, but there’s always going to be one kid who is not ever going to play ball, and as much as we can teach our children the fact that that child is not going to get anywhere in life, the fact is if they are a big fish in the school playground now, that is all that matters to your child. 

When it comes to helping our kids be bully-proof, they could benefit from some of the following tactics:

• Creating a list of responses that make sure that these don’t aggravate a bully. We should always remember in life that the key to settling any type of fight is to get it shut down as soon as possible.
• Promoting positive body language, as being confident is something that will send an unconscious signal to a bully that that person is not worth it. While this may not completely stop a bully, the confidence can help your child to feel more empowered in the situations.
• Teaching our children the appropriate tactics based on their personality. If your child is a class clown, teaching them to laugh at the bullies’ threats can be quite disarming.

Because our children may want to conform to a certain extent or completely for a quiet life, there is certainly a balance to be had because children can get singled out for a number of reasons. But we then have to remember that if our children are going to disguise themselves throughout their formative years, this is going to influence their psychological makeup. Everybody faces challenges and setbacks, and resilience is such an important part of staying true to themselves, which will become a part of how they express themselves.

Nurturing their intrinsic motivation

Encouraging a sense of individuality is about tapping into their intrinsic motivations. As our kids can feel various aspects of peer pressure, we should remember that maybe outside of school is the perfect opportunity to reinforce the fact that they are who they are. This means we can encourage inquisitiveness, as motivation to be the best version of themselves can stem from curiosity. This is arguably one of the benefits of going online in this day and age, as there’s a whole wealth of inspiration that our children can seek out and help them to become themselves rather than falling in with the crowds. 

When our children feel like they’re going to be shut down for expressing themselves, this is when we can counteract this at home by encouraging experimentation with personal style and letting them express who they are through their appearance. This means that we can highlight the importance of the relationship between self-expression and confidence. Authentic self-expression is vital to our psychological well-being. When we are confident with who we are, this results in healthier connections and more respectful boundary settings within all types of relationships. 

The expression “you do you” is so important and is something that can easily be squashed down, depending on who we are as parents, but also the school environment they find themselves in. If we don’t encourage our children to be who they are, there may come a time when they just don’t feel like they can express who they are in other ways. It’s not just about fashion or trends, but if you can’t express who you are verbally or within your home environment, this can result in a whole plethora of emotional problems that may come out later on. We should all feel comfortable in being able to express who we are, and as parents, we must remember that if we’ve passed this self-consciousness onto them, now is the ideal time to start unravelling this.

The Importance of a growth mindset

Our children will want to experiment with looks, but we also need to remember that showcasing a sense of individuality is about recognising there will be setbacks and that they are opportunities for growth. We should introduce children to diverse role models who display individuality and have been an inspiration in so many ways. This can help to show our children the richness of a unique path. Because people become enveloped by trends in a stylistic sense, this can also filter into their psychological attitudes. If they can’t express themselves in one way, they won’t in others. 

We should encourage our children to grow, and this will broaden their horizons in so many different ways. We live in an age where children are pursuing individuality, but unfortunately, there are still those children who embrace an old-fashioned mindset, no matter how young they are, and this can partly be attributed to the influence of the parents. What we need to remember is that when our children experience setbacks, it can influence their attitudes and think that actually it’s better to embody the mindset of those people who are adopting a bullying mindset. 

We should teach our kids the importance of inclusivity and acceptance, but at the same time, we need to nurture that confidence that becomes so critical to establishing a sense of self. When our children feel enticed by trends, this goes way beyond the surface. It becomes endemic of an attitude that could colour their entire lives. This is why we need to encourage gender neutrality, gender equality, but also remember that at the same time, emotional awareness and healthy coping mechanisms will give them a greater toolkit to lead by example. 

Because trends can be indicative of a culture that forces people to fall into line or be cast out, especially in schools, we need to foster independence in our children. The journey toward independence is a multifaceted one, and if we can prioritise individuality, we will set our children on a pathway to empower themselves not just to resist trends but to establish their own trends that are inherently theirs and nobody else’s.