Disclaimer: This post contains a LOT of poo, pee, puke and other gross references. Apologies if it's not the most pleasant read but that's just a normal day in the life of a mother.
1. Shitstorm or Poonami
You've often heard the phrase 'The shit has hit the ceiling'. Well, if you're a mum, chances are you would've experienced it too! A 'shitstorm' is when baby's nappy explodes due to the huge quantity of shit that he or she has managed to poop out. Out of the nappy. Out of the clothes. Out on the bed. Out onto the ceiling…. a tsunami of shit, in literal words. Bet 99 percent of you mums reading this will be saying: 'Been there, cleant that!'
2. Projectile Puke
Comes a close second (although that's debatable) to the poonami. Baby/toddler eats/drinks and then plays – a little too energetically – only to bring everything he or she ate/drank out in a scene that looks very much like the Exorcist. Be warned, the projectile puke could also possibly reach the ceiling.
Handy tip: This isn't a commonly-known fact (I too learnt about it AFTER Little Man outgrew his vest-wearing days) but the seemingly-silly envelope folds on the shoulders of baby vests are there for a purpose. Besides making it a tad easier to get baby's head out of the vest, their primary purpose is to assist during a poonami or projectile vomit situation. So you can pull the vest DOWN off your baby instead of OVER his head, and avoid the poo/puke smearing his face and hair. Brilliant!
Mummy Blogger from the popular blog Tiaras and Prozac has posted a video (aptly titled 'The Vest Epiphany') to show how it's done.
3. Pee in your face/ poo in your hands
Note to mothers of all baby boys. Don't underestimate the power of your tiny tots' tiny willy. When it is exposed to a draft of cold air (i.e. during every nappy change), it is very likely to spray out a little pee. Straight up. In the direction of your face. And in your face.
And just because you have a little girl, do not assume you are protected. It is a fact universally known that babies will, at some point, at least once in their babyhood, poo in your hands or worse still, in the bath. When you are in it with them.
4. Leaking boobs
As if there isn't enough to contend with during those early messy bloody days post-pregnancy, even our boobs leak! Not the best situation to be sitting at a restaurant with everyone staring at your boobs, not because they're back to looking wow but because your shirt has two wet blotches on it. *Sink into the ground* feeling…
5. Milk and food in your hair/ on your clothes
Don't bother shopping for new/expensive clothes in the first few months of your newborn's life. Because 99 percent of the time, you, your hair and your clothes will be covered in baby milk/baby food/baby spit-ups. You will need repeated baths, however if you can manage even one a day, consider it an accomplishment. And don't be surprised to find crumbs of yesterday's breakfast in your hair tomorrow!
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