Children and grief: Valuable tips for parents when discussing death with children

As much as we as parents want to shield our children from the harsh realities of life, sadly, sometimes they are exposed to them before we would like them to be. One such event that no one wants their child or any child to experience is death. The loss of a loved one, a family pet, or a friend can be devastating at any age, but for young children who can’t always fully comprehend what is happening, it can be harder to navigate.

So what can you do to help a child who is grieving and support them in the best way possible? Read on for some tips on supporting little ones through this challenging period in their life.

Be honest

Children are often more perceptive than you think. They will pick up on changes in behaviour, language, and the general vibe. Avoid the temptation to lie to children about what is going on. Be as open and honest as possible with them about what has happened, what they can expect to happen next, and what this means for them. They will appreciate this information in the long run, and having all the facts and people they can trust to inform them will help them through the grieving process.

Break the information down according to the child’s age

You need to explain what is going on in a way the child will understand based on their age and ability to grasp what is going on. For younger children, you must be clear, keep the information short, and bite-size. Older children and teenagers will be able to digest more, and you can talk to them in as much detail as they wish to take on board. Always ensure they understand what is being said and the information you are telling them.

Use plain language

Using phrases such as “xxx has gone to sleep and won’t be waking up,” “xxx has gone away,” or similar euphemisms can be tempting. However, this won’t benefit the child in any way. In fact, it could make them scared of this happening to other people, e.g., becoming scared to go to sleep themselves in case they don’t wake up or being afraid of others sleeping in case they don’t wake up too. Be clear and use direct language. This will help them understand better and remove any confusion over what has happened.

Encourage questions and be prepared to answer anything

This isn’t going to be an easy time, and many different feelings and questions will come up. Encourage them to ask as many questions as they feel they need to, but don’t force them to ask any if they aren’t ready. Children will process the death at their own pace – some children may need to know everything at once while others may need more time, and it could be days or weeks before they finally feel up to asking questions. But when they do, be prepared to answer as much as you are able to.

Share your feelings too

Children should never be expected to handle their feelings as an adult would or be told to put a brave face on. While not everyone wears their heart on their sleeves, when it comes to discussing feelings of grief with children, sharing yours and letting them see how you handle your feelings and emotions can help them to manage theirs too. However, they should never be told how they are grieving is wrong or be told what to feel. Instead, they need to be supported during each emotion and stage of grief they are working through. Don’t be afraid to cry with them, laugh with them or simply sit and reflect; they will draw strength from this, and it can be a way to bond during this time as well as give your child a safe space to express their own feelings.

Reassure them

Much like adults, children can also feel like they are to blame in some way, or they may have contributed to the death of a loved one. If this comes up, try to reassure them by asking them to explain why they feel this way and what makes them think they are responsible. Once you have this information, you can talk them through what happened and explain why it isn’t their fault a person has died. Be calm and compassionate. Children aren’t always rational, especially when dealing with big emotions, and these emotions and feelings should be handled with care.

Share stories

Don’t shy away from talking about the deceased person. Instead, encourage the child to speak freely about any fun times or stories they may have and share the good times they remember. While it might be painful in the beginning, they can still feel as if they are a part of their life in some way, and ensure they keep these memories fresh in their mind to help them at this time.

Have a special place of remembrance

This can differ for everyone depending on the person who has passed away and your relationship with them. If it is a school friend, maybe having a little place in your home where they can go to talk to them or remember them, a shelf with pictures and memories can be helpful. It will help to have a physical connection with the person. For closer family members, you can look at gravestones, garden rocks by Memorials.com, a memorial bench, or something else with special meaning to your family. This can help everyone, not just children, have a place to connect and talk to the deceased in a safe space.

Conclusion

Discussing death with a child is never easy. Whether the loss is sudden or from an illness or health condition, there will never be a right time to experience grief. Knowing how best to help children and support them can help you to retain family bonds and ensure your child has all the support they need during this extremely difficult time.