Homeschooling Unplugged: One-liners in the angst of homeschooling


You know I’m being sarcastic!

The constant juggle of homeschooling one/two/three/ multiple kids, attending work calls and answering important emails, getting lunch and dinner on the table (not to mention the 7957 snacks through the day) and doing whatever housework is remotely possible is mind-numbing enough, but what is REALLY testing is the homeschooling part.

Now if our kids would be even half as obedient as their teachers tell us they are at school, it would be a different story. If they willingly sat down to learn, and more importantly sat STILL and sat THROUGH an entire pre-recorded video, homeschooling would be a breeze (kind of). Or at least it would take an hour or so less, if you cut out the whining, moaning, 101 excuses about why they just cannot write today, numerous times pencils fall under the table or need to be sharpened, the breaks, the ‘I’m hungry’ interruptions, the tantrums, the tears and the shouting. OMG the shouting (from both parties involved).

But… as with all stressful situations, I find that humour gets us through. Probably not at that moment when you just want to tear your hair out, but later, when you actually hear some of the one-liners that transpire during homeschooling sessions. Like these that occurred during the first lockdown:

Little Man: You’re a lovely mummy but a horrible teacher; you shout a lot!

Me, on one particularly frustrating morning: I don’t need to learn fractions at 37, so if you’re not interested, neither am I!!!

Fellow mums and dads across the tier-4-ed country share the gems that have come out of their or their children’s mouths during the angst of homeschooling these past two weeks. Some funny, some cheeky, others filled with innocence and then some ridden with anger. Enjoy, over your glass(es) of wine!

“I don’t give a s*^t what factors are!” (When I lost my s*^t when my daughter shouted at me for getting a maths question wrong. I definitely wasn’t ‘Mother of the Year’ that day!)
“Can you please stop wearing your school uniform to home school, literally the only good thing about this situation is that I have less washing to do.”

– Josie, Business For Mums

Me: I don’t know these phonics sounds, we didn’t learn this way.
Child: How did you learn in the olden days then?

– Emma, Emma Reed

“How about an inset day today, mummy?”

– Jennifer, Rice Cakes and Raisins

“Stop saying ‘poop’ to the teacher” (for context, it was a video of a teacher talking about phonemes and he wanted to prove it wasn’t a live lesson and she couldn’t see or hear him)

– Becka, Mummy Est 2014

Me: Let’s start after breakfast
Girls: Ok. I don’t want my breakfast yet!

– Beth, Twinderelmo

“Mummy, we’re on mute” (When I tried to converse with the teacher)
Son: Can we have a snow day?
Me: No snow day J, you don’t need to leave the house!

– Victoria, Victoria Hockley

“Why has everyone in this house forgotten how to flush a toilet! Do you do this at school?!”
“Mum, are you sure you went to school?” (This comment was because I didn’t know what ‘vertices’ were in Year 2 maths)

– Maria, Happy Mummy

“We are not allowed to drink or snack in class mummy. You are breaking the rules so you need to stand in the corner until I say you can come back.” Caught out by my 5 yo!!!

– Nita, Mummy Wishes

“Mummy, do you have to sing along to all my phonics songs? It’s making my ears hurt a lot!”

– Charlotte, Team Stein

Me: What was wrong with the old way of doing maths!
Also me: What the hell is a number line!?
And me: What is a prepositional phrase?
Also me: What even is a pathetic fallacy!?
My ten year old: Didn’t you go to law school?
My eight year old: You might need homeschooling more than us
Me: 😲🤔🤨

– Leyla, Motherhood Diaries

First day:
Me: Okay, gather around, I’m your headteacher now.
Son: Nope. Mum is.
Me: What? How come? I’m the only one here that actually used to be a teacher!
Son: Mum’s the boss of the house normally. I thought this would just be the same.

– Robbie, Paternal Damnation

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