After three years of being Mom (to a baby, then a toddler and now a threenager), I have come to realise that these little beings have their own internal alarm clocks. And I’m not talking about the biological one that makes them wake up at the dot of 6 am EVERY SINGLE MORNING, irrespective of whether they’ve gone to bed at 8 pm or 11 pm the night before. That’s just a cruel joke to all parents the world over. Rather, I’m talking about the following completely-out-of-sync-with-normalcy alarms that buzz at all the wrong moments.
1. Of course, the timeless one I mentioned above – waking up at the same time every morning, whether it was a normal night or a super-late night.
2. An extension of this is the ‘witching hour’ 3 am wake-up (relevant to the baby stage). How in God’s name does a seven-month-old know it is EXACTLY 3 am? And why oh why must he/she wake up then for no apparent reason?
3. And while we’re on the topic of (broken) sleep, here’s another one: if, by some unexpected miracle, your toddler decides to sleep late, it will be on a school morning and NOT a weekend. So, with a very heavy heart, you have to go wake him/ her up. Damn!!!
4. From sleep to naps. I just HATE it when you’ve been trying to put your little one to nap all through the car journey, and he/she doses off five minutes before you reach your destination. Karma can be a b*&#h!
Or inversely, when toddler has a 10 minute power nap in the car and then doesn’t nap once you reach home. When you want to nap!
5. Then there’s the shit alarm (literally) that goes off just when you are about to leave the house. And yes, 99 per cent of the time, you will already be a zillion hours late. But your toddler needs to poo and there’s not much you can do about that. A real stinker, this!
6. From poo to pee, this one REALLY pisses (pun intended) me off! Why does your toddler scream his lungs out for you every time you are on the toilet? How does he feel hungry then and only then? Why does his Lego tower come crashing down the second you go to pee? Or take a shower? What is it with loo’s and toddlers?
7. This is another alarm I cannot get. How, just how do these seemingly innocent/ helpless babies know the EXACT MOMENT mommy is sitting down with her cup of tea or coffee? How do they wake up just as she takes her first sip? Can’t this alarm be re-set to at least the last sip? So mums around the world can enjoy a hot cup of freakin’ coffee?!
8. Then there are the tantrums. Toddlers and threenagers ALWAYS seem to throw the worst kind when in public spaces. Correction: crowded public spaces. The mall. The playgroup. The supermarket. The loud decibel levels of the screams and screeches are directly proportional to the crowds present at the time. The louder the tantrum, the more people there will be present to witness you fail at motherhood!
9. This one’s a bummer. Just as you’ve sat down after a long morning of tending to motherhood’s 1001 demands, with a cuppa and a book (or your phone), one or more of the following happen:
a) peacefully sleeping-until-now baby wakes up
b) toddler pees his pants
c) your kid asks for a snack
10. Poonamis will always happen on your watch. When you are home alone, with no better half to help you with this shit! (Pun intended again). That darn alarm clock goes off when it’s you and only you at home.
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